Adventure Log

Foreword

These are the notes of one of my players from a very long 5th edition Dungeons & Dragons campaign I ran from 2020 to 2023. I'll put some other notes from this adventure in another post, but without further ado, here's a summary from the perspective of a player.

Chapter 0: Meet the Cast

our story begins with four people in a carriage: ryugoto kenshin, stoic dragonborn fighter from kenku lands; aaaron thorne, human monk whose jumping abilities are without equal; va'ariel hajma, thick skinned half orc cleric of mielikki; and john smithers, the horse loving guard uninitiated in combat. these four have been hired(ish) to protect a caravan, which currently nears the city of greenest. after introducing themselves, falling over, damaging property, and learning about artificial insemination, aaaron, ryu, and smithers are put on guard duty. they notice a strange light coming from over the hills in the direction of greenest, when suddenly, a kenku comes running towards them, pursued by a kobold trio.

Chapter 1: When the Greenest is Distress

the gang quickly dispatches the kobolds, and the kenku begins to scream of an attack on the town of greenest. in order to make their way to greenest, aaaron coerces smithers into stealing a horse and carriage. upon reaching greenest, the find it under attack by a dragon. smithers somehow does not die. more kobolds are slain. aaaron punches himself. an hour passes. griffin simps for a woman, but she's married and has three kids. they are saved from the kobolds, though. i'm going to introduce the kenku now, even though nobody asks their name for a long time: freebird, kenku bard and greenest's resident crimebeggar. the party decides to make for the keep with the family. they fight more cultists and kobolds. in order to fight better, aaaron juggles children. one gets away. finally reaching the keep, the group tries to lock out the woman's husband, but do not succeed. they are safe. for now.

Chapter 2: Greenest Quests

our heroes meet with the governer of greenest. he tells them to clear out an underground tunnel, so that more people can make it inside, and promises a reward for doing so. ryu hits the door open. smithers sits this one out. in the tunnel, freebird and aaaron find a secret passage. there is a puzzle, which is transgressed with finesse and rat flinging. aaaron finds and puts on a ring of invisibility. it turns invisible when worn, and was made by a magnanimous mister mathers. ryu hits the door open, attracting the attention of some cultists and kobolds. they attack. they lose. the tunnel is cleared. smithers goes missing. the crew recieves a new quest to rescue townfolk who have barricaded themselves in a temple. they find smithers and drag him along. after dealing with the kobolds guarding the back through vigourous bonking, they hear the cult breaking in through the front. freebird uses her illusion magic to prevent the townsfolk from being seen escaping. ryu and aaaron takes care of the ones coming around the back. ryu works to keep the back door closed after the townsfolk escape. freebird creates an illusory mob to lure the cult away. the back door is forced open. everyone escapes to the keep. the dragon picks that moment to attack. everyone shoots at it. it leaves. the cult has been removed from the town, so everyone sleeps and then gets money. freebird gets a paper to write on. smithers declares his intention to leave the party and become a simp. now, it is time to rebuild the town.

Intermission 2.5: "This campaign has no downtime after this"

some characters are named, and their names are promptly forgotten so lucy can reuse them later. ryu offers to help rebuild things. freebird offers to heal the injured. aaaron offers to "build like a house or something". while yours truly is unable to go into detail on the exploits of the others, save that ryu trained and meditated and aaaron trained and did religious service, freebird began to steal from the poor and give to himself. he stole a crossbow from a blind woman and found some shady potions, but did not purchase them at this juncture. he also found out basically nothing about the cultists, until he ran into a certain man known only as "gade". gade told freebird that the cultists might want to go into a ruins, and also that some monks passing through might know about them. after the downtime is over, the group reconvenes with the governer.

Chapter 3: This Shouldn't Take Long

our heroes are charged by the governer to seek out the raiders. freebird instead mentions the ruins. the governer reluctantly allows them to go there, instead of following the obvious trail. "kenshin and ryu [sic]" make their way to the north gate of town, while aaaron pursues smithers, finding him with the object of his simptitude. aaaron grabs smithers and forcibly pulls him away. the group sets off towards the ruins, and encounters some gnolls. with the power of a surprise round, they clear out two before getting bitten and stabbed. they stab another to death. surprise! gnoll hidden in the grass. ryu burns the grass. pew pew the remaining gnolls die. trompet. they reach the ruins. aaaron considers trebuchet ownership. the party ascends some stairs and goes out the door onto a roof, where they find a ballista and a ghost knight. kenshin faces the knight while aaaron makes his way to the ballista and freebird fires their stolen crossbow. aaaron fires, and the knight is critically wounded. freebird and ryu finish it off, for good, maybe. it drops a bag of holding. they take a short rest, and smithers coughs not once, but twice. freebird and aaaron climb another tower, atop which lies a bell. they ring it, a lot. then the gang returns to town and to smithers's house. once there, they are accosted by gade.

Chapter 4: The Great Cooking of Mary

the gang brags of the defeat of the ghost knight by their hands. gade informs them that the governer's real name is nighthill, and that the monks are looking for them. then smithers leads them home to his girlfriend. everybody screams the word 'deer'. before femsmithers cooks for them, a monk approaches aaaron and charges him to find his master, another monk named leosin. aaaron insists on being payed, but ryu and freebird take on the mission and overrule him. then they enter smither's house while aaaron remains outside and is sexist. mary, for the first time ever, cooks. everyone enjoys boney stew, and freebird, ryu, and smithers all go deaf from it. aaaron smacks freebird. freebird kicks aaaron. everyone's hearing returns. then they sleep. the next morning they awaken to more of mary's cooking. aaaron eats a blue egg and some popping bacon. there is also food packed, including a sealed wooden box. aaaron burns incense over an egg. the gang heads off for the south.

Chapter 5: midi

along the trail, the party encounters a man with dogs and a scimitar. he tries to rob them. ryu crushes the man. then he and freebird scare the remaining dogs away. aaaron eats an egg. the party reaches the rearguard camp of the cult of dragons. freebird summons an unseen servant and steals their swords. ryu enters the camp and lies blatantly about being one of them. he kidnaps a kobold. he makes up some more things about witches and inferiority. freebird and aaaron get in the bag of holding. ryu picks them up and moves past the camp before releasing them. the kobold reveals his name to be freebird. freebird reveals their name to be freebird. ryu calls freebird his son. freebird reveals herself to be a girl. freebird scares her. aaaron names her hachikuji. hachikuji gives freebird the name freebird, and takes on the name midi. ryu begins to indoctrinate her. freebird is miffed. communication issues occur. midi summons a book. ryu continues indoctrinating when he and freebird see the real rearguard, lying in a cave in a canyon. midi seems to recognise someone upon the cliffs, and the party decides to negotiate.

midi and ryu go forth while freebird and aaaron hide, and ryu lies about being a cultist. the lady who midi recognized, kendrick, takes midi up into the caves with her, while ryu gets an armed escort back to the other camp. midi tells kendrick of ryu's true intentions. the men of the rearguard begin firing upon ryu. ryu beats up his armed escort. freebird and aaaron come out into the open. midi makes her betrayal clear to the party, and the rearguard drops boulders off the cliffs. freebird and aaaron deftly dodge. the boulder droppers attack. ryu somehow missed the memo that midi betrayed him. freebird shoots the boulder droppers with crossbow bolts coated in mary's orange juice. it's terribly effective. ryu has an anime moment where he forgives midi, but kendrick attacks him. midi becomes good again, because kindness always wins. she throws her book at kendrick. ryu breathes fire. as the orange juice volley continues, the cultists become terrified and flee. JAEGAR. ryu defeats kendrick, but does not kill her. freebird takes out one of the fleeing cultists. freebird is upset at midi for the betrayal. aaaron decides to offer kendrick a choice of beverage while ryu prevents freebird from killing midi. she picks liquor. she drinks it. she dies.

Chapter 6: Deja Vu

ryu, aaaron, and freebird argue over what to do with midi, when they are interrupted by the arrival of another, elven, cultist. after a failed bluff from aaaron, freebird knocks the cultist out. the group discovers that the reason he came was the lack of a runner sent from the rearguard. they decide to disguise aaaron as the elf and send him back to tell the main camp that nothing is wrong. ryu and freebird interrogate the cultist. they find out what we already knew: the cultist is a cultist of the cult of dragons, working to revive tiamat. he also mentions another dragonborn in the main camp. freebird charms the cultist until he also volunteers more information about the main camp, how to get there, who to report to (dragonclaw), and what the defenses are. he insults midi. ryu forces him to lie down, and freebird kills him. the party leaves for the camp. they camp out on some overlooking cliffs, and aaaron and midi enter. they get past the watch and find the monk, held prisoner. aaaron reports to dragonclaw, which is a rank, baka. midi attracts a swarm of simps. freebird suggests murder to ryu. dragonclaw bonks aaaron and midi. aaaron struggles to separate midi from her swarm. the watch starts hitting kobold with a mace to help. aaaron takes off his ring of invisibility and instantly loses it, by virtue of it being invisible. they reunite with the bird and dragonborn. freebird has a plan, and falls asleep. ryu and aaaron ask midi about her book. the book is magic. in the dead of night, freebird awakens, menaces midi, rouses ryu, and turns invisible. they climb down the cliff and into the camp, arriving next to the monk. he cannot walk, due to being starved. freebird feeds him eggs, puts him in the bag of holding, and scales the cliff. after the releasing the monk from the bag, the group travels away from the camp, ryu carrying the monk upon his back.

Chapter 7: Return

as they walk, the monk gives a lore dump. the party comes across the rearguard, now ablaze with light. freebird suggests murder. ryu suggests stealth, and leads the way. they go around the rearguard and approach the rear rear guard. freebird suggests murder. ryu vetoes him and leads the way. they get within sight of greenest. ryu leads the way. they encounter the dog corpses from before, now rotting, and decide to bring one to mary. they also actually introduce themselves to the monk. ryu leads the way to greenest. ryu leads the way to assailing mary's front door. smithers opens the door and then closes it again and then opens it again. ryu leads the way into mary's home. " freebird dumps a dog on mary as she sleeps. everyone sleeps. athey wake to mary assaulting smithers. when everyone has risen, she bades them stay until she has cooked breakfast for them. she does, terrifyingly. she forces them to eat, terrifyingly. freebird becomes mute. mary forces the party out. smithers tells them the monk has left and hands them a note from the ding ding man (gade). the party finds governer nighthill and tell him what they have found of the raiders. nighthill pays them. they split the money five ways: ryu, freebird, aaaron, midi, and smithers all get an equal share. ryu guides midi to purchase a healing potion and some glass bottles. aaaron gets a uhhhhhhhhhhhhh longsword. freebird purchases various equipment, much of which they have not used since, as well as robbing the blind fletcher a second time. midi plays with rats in the gutter. ryu leads the way to the ruined fort.

Chapter 8: Horrible Abominations and Terrifying Beasts

the bell is gone from the tower. freebird descends down into the ruins, breaking their dagger. it was entirely unnecessary, as there is a hole in the wall and ryu and aaaron find their way in. they find a dining hall, a study, and a kitchen, from which freebird takes a knife, before they run into gade. gade gives them keys to the fort, and requests that the party hit him. he neatly dodges ryu and aaaron, and fires a blast of wind at freebird with a spear that returns freebird's speech. ryu finally hits him. then gade asks the party to kill an unspecified monster in the woods. he inspects mary's wooden box and deems it "bizarre". he tries some salsa, and nearly dies. the party rests before setting off into the woods. as they do, gade hints that the party shouldn't keep their ears open. ryu leads the way into the woods. everyone plugs their ears. freebird turns invisible and finds an owlbear. ryu leads the way to it. they arrive just in time to see it killed by a banshee. aaaron stabs it. freebird covers it in oil, and ryu lights it with his breath. aaaron and freebird fire a volley of crossbow bolts at it, while midi hesitantly approaches, only to have it grab and knock her out. aaaron stabs it. the banshee screams, instantly knocking out freebird and ryu, even through their plugged ears. aaaron stabs it. midi stabilizes. freebird creeps close to death. ryu dies. aaaron punches the thing to death and rushes to stabilize freebird. then he puts ryu in the bag of holding and starts to carry freebird and midi back.

Chapter 9: Playing with Rats in the Gutter

as aaaron reaches the fort, freebird wakes. together, they guilt gade about ryu's death, but he doesn't care. he gives aaaron a sending stone and the lost ring of invisibility. he also fixes freebird's harmonica. he then drops more cryptic hints and tells the gang to hurry home. midi wakes as they return to greenest, and freebird rudely tells her of ryu's death. freebird and aaaron go to the blind fletcher, where aaaron claims to have apprehended the thief who stole from her, twice. freebird says hi, is grabbed, escapes, and leaves. they go to smither's house, where they are approached by leosin, the monk they saved. leosin asks them to go back into the cultist camp, to see what they are planning. midi plays with rats in the gutter. leosin leaves for elturel. midi bifurcates a rat. freebird stabs a rat. midi puts a rat in her book, closes it, and makes the book vanish, killing the rat instantly. then she telesplices a centipede. the group goes to an inn and obtains lodgings there via the performing arts. ryu, in the meantime, has been in fugue realizing that bahumat does not care about him. he meets a pit fiend, who offers to bring him back to life in exchange for his eternal soul and the ability to drag him back whenever. ryu accepts, and manages to find his way to the inn, where he is reunited with midi. freebird and aaaron are terrified, but eventually accept his return. after a sleep, they go to visit mary. aaaron insists on being invisible and not entering. freebird, midi, and ryu present mary with the crushed remains of the rat and ryu's body. mary puts it into a pot. she begins to insist on the return of the wooden box. freebird charms her. mary stirs her stew, instantly knocking out freebird, midi, and ryu. thorne enters, and is also immediately knocked out.

Chapter 10: Githsmas Special

the party wakes in limbo, in a city of the githzerai, where they are preparing to celebrate githsmas. smithers has also been transported. freebird lost the bag of holding. the githzerai give the party information on limbo, and tell them that they will not let them go home until they retrieve the githsmas horn from the githch. the party enters the chaos soup, and freebird stabilizes a small part of it. after a bit more practise with chaos shaping, aaaron creates the flcieling machine, which consists of two stone hemispheres facing each other. everyone gets on the flieling and the cloor aaaron calls gade to tell him where the party is. then the flclieling machine begins zooming towards the githyanki city where the horn is. before the gang gets far, they run into a group of halflings in a worm corpse, and ferry them back to the githzerai city. they set off again, but are attacked by a githyanki ship. one jumps on the fclieiling machine. ryu pushes him off. two more jump on. aaaron shoots one and ryu bonks him. freebird surrounds one in flame, killing it. the remaining one falls into the chaos and dies. the party arrives at the githyanki fort. ryu throws a stone at it, shattering a bridge. freebird throws a ball of fire, killing a gith. before the gith can counter attack, aaaron lands the flcieling machine and everyone disembarks. they see a giant skull in the center, and begin to head toward it. aaaron and freebird stealth well, but kenshin, midi, and smithers are attacked by a gith. aaaron counters, and freebird stealth attacks. ryu finishes him. they continue on, and ambush some gith. freebird's magic fails them, due to limbo, but ryu and aaaron pick up the slack and kill one. another stabs freebird, and they begin to play the stabbing game, where you get stabbed. freebird wins. ryu defeats the final one.

they continue on, and get ambushed in turn by darklings. the stabbing game continues. ryu limit breaks, killing some. freebird is knocked out, but aaaron stabilizes them and midi pours a heal pot down their gullet. aaaron finishes another, and it explodes into light, blinding him. the rest of them are dealt with without much difficulty. the party rests in a tent, and aaaron is unblinded. gade calls to say that the entire party, and mary, are all absent from mary's house, and the wooden box is open and empty. the party is then immediately attacked again by a hooded figure that flashes them. ryu throws him about for a bit before aaaron encases him in stone. with a rope and gravitational shenanigans, everyone makes it to the surface of the skull.

inside, they see the githsmas horn, guarded by a gith on the flieling next to a lantern, two on the floor, fighting, and one next to the horn, stabilizing the entire city. freebird fires a bolt, severing the rope that binds the lantern to the flieling, and then changes its gravity so it falls towards the two githyanki on the cloor. they are both knocked out, breaking the stabilizing one's focus temporarily, which starts to destroy the gith city. the flieling one begins guarding the stabilizing one when ryu falls on top of him, greatsword first. the gith counterattacks, striking at ryu's mind. freebird plummets down, also landing on top of the gith. ryu continues attacking the gith while freebird snags the horn. aaaron fails to chaos control a new flcieling machine, and smithers makes a large stone orb. ryu finishes off the gith, causing the concentrating gith to lose focus, only keeping a small air bubble intact. aaaron successfully manifests a flcieling machine. freebird and ryu kick the gith out of the air bubble, which kicks themselves onto the flclieling machine. the githch begins to speak in everyone's minds. aaaron calls gade to say "dear god". the gith explodes into fire, and the githch appears. they are the gith lich. the flcieling machine runs away. the githch moves towards it by repeatedly teleporting, thirty feet at a time, but can't quite catch the flcieling machine. he attempts to grab it, but smithers throws his large stone orb. everyone flings various elements at the githch, but he undos them with his superior chaos control. freebird tries to cast charm person and instantly vanishes. the flcieling machine continues to flee. freebird reappears with a rock the size of a small moon, and flings it at the githch, killing him instantly.

on their way back to the githzerai city, the party meets some githzerai, who offer to bring them back to the city faster, and freebird accidentally summons an imp. back in the city, the githsmas horn is returned, and the githsmas feast begins. the party, after some debate, decides to attend, but smithers returns to the material plane. freebird's imp finds gade, and returns the bag of holding. the party goes to some archives, and then a laboratory, where they open the wooden box to find blue veils. aaaron snags a vial of chaos soup. freebird drops some paper into the chaos. the city spins. in the center of the city, the festivities are in full swing. wonderwall is played. buy now!! hummus and a wow!!! extra large falafel meal for two!!! aaaron eats a coke. freebird sucks a fanta. eventually, the githsmas horn is blown. after hours of celebration, the party rests and recieves rewards. aaaron recieves boots of striding and springing. freebird recieves a silver raven. ryu recieves mildly cursed armour. they also meet david the goliath, who is planning on returning to the material plane from limbo and joins the group to do so. the hissing of snakes rings out. as everyone jumps through the portal to greenest, david is pushed in by something, so he is stuck with the party now. everyone lands back in the material plane, outside gade's ruins.

Chapter 11: Questions and Answers

entering the fort, the group finds mary and gade. gade explains that mary accidentally hit her pot, releasing the dangerous gas, and ran away. when she returned, she found everyone missing. david acquaints himself with midi. gade realizes that the empty wooden box he found is not the same wooden box as the one with the blue veils in it. gade also mentions that the bag of holding was lying on the ground, which is how he gave it to the imp. mary and smithers take their leave. this whole time, the hissing of snakes has been ringing out, angering david, who attacks gade. gade finally removes the hissing of snakes, which was a curse on freebird from botched limbo magic. he also inspects aaaron's chaos soup. david speaks of his rich family, the von korgenshires. the party leaves and goes to return to greenest, but encounter some gnolls eating the dog corpses which are still there. aaaron shoots one. david is a meat shield. freebird turns invisible and shanks one. aaaron jumps very far upwards and mario stomps the last one. in greenest, david encounters an anime character. ryu and midi go to pray. everyone else goes to see smithers. freebird stabs the door. smithers and david play cards. freebird compares the two wooden boxes, and finds a family crest on both of them. david falls asleep. smithers and aaaron chat. freebird interrogate mary and finds out that the boxes are a family heirloom, one of which is mary's and the other of which is her late sister's. david purchases some pearl extract from a magnanimous mister mathers. freebird steals two potions from a store. everyone sleeps. midi kills a rat. after the debate that is so common in the party, it is decided to return to the cult of dragons' camp.

Chapter 12: Once More unto the Breach

at the old site of the rearguard, now vacant, the group finds two gnomes and two doors. a mysterious note informs them that one gnome always tells the truth, while the other is trying to eat them. the gnome chomps thorne's leg and freebird's arm, but ryu bashes it off both times, killing it. the party barrages the other gnome with questions, recieving dodgy answers, until freebird asks it a paradox, killing it instantly. with no clear answer on which door to open, freebird summons an unseen servant to open the right one. doing so resummons the biting gnome, but it is quickly defeated again. the servant opens the left door, behind which lies a deck of many things from the magnanimous mister mathers. aaaron draws the six of things from it, which screams 'THINGS' six times. ryu also draws the six of things, to the same effect. midi draws a joker, deleting a quarter of the deck. david also draws a joker, to the same effect. freebird cheats at cards, taking david's money. finally returning to the camp, the party finds the great host gathered there absent. they spy a hunter entering the camp, and decide to question him. freebird bribes him and some other hunters, and they mention that they are being paid by a purple women to bring food to the caves, where some of the cult has retired; the rest has moved to the west. david searches the camp and finds nothing. after more debate, where aaaron and freebird suggest that their job is done and ryu and david insist on searching the caves, midi casts the deciding vote and the party enters the cave.

Chapter 13: This is Not an Abortion Metaphor

after turning a corner, the party is immediately attacked by a pair of cultists. david and aaaron kill one. david and ryu kill the other. the party travels through a room full of fungus and into a darker chamber, where they are swarmed by bats. ryu burns them with his new necrotic fire. david grabs many dead bats. aaaron draws the twelve of things, which screams 'THINGS' twelve times, alerting the entire cave. everyone hides in the mushroom room. freebird is attacked by a fungus. ryu, david, and aaaron defeat it. seeing nobody approach, the party delves deeper, finding a trash pit. among the refuse, aaaron finds some gemstones, and refuses them to david. freebird ruins some paper. ryu finds a broken spear, and uses it to open the door to a meat cellar. continuing in a different direction, aaaron and ryu fall in a pit trap, which paralyzes aaaron. david and ryu kill seven kobolds before you can blink. freebird kills the last two, which are urds. aaaron becomes unparalyzed. freebird picks a lock after david unlocks it normally, and the party descends into an enclosure, where they find drakes, which they assume are sonic. aaaron, david, and freebird gtfo, leaving ryu to stave off the drakes, which he does with some help from freebird's illusions and aaaron's light. midi turns into one of the drakes, causing the other two to disappear. a gnome appears and retcons her back, courtesy of the magnanimous mister mathers.

after going up and down more stairs, freebird stops david from walking into a boulder trap. reaching the bottom of the stairs, they encounter a dozen kobolds. aaaron shoots one. freebird wards some from david with an illusion. david kills them. freebird shoots one. david gets rocks dropped on him. aaaron shoots one. freebird stabs one. david kills two and freezes one. david kills the remaining two. searching the room, aaaron finds 704 copper pieces. descending down another staircase, through a tunnel, and up yet another staircase, the party comes across a dragonborn and two cultists. david snorts his pearl extract. freebird sneak attacks the dragonborn with a bolt coated in mary's liquor. ryu starts to duel him. freebird goes invisible. aaaron fights the cultists. ryu kills the dragonborn. a cultist tries to flee up a ladder, but falls back down, dead. freebird reappears to stab the remaining one in the back. the group starts beating him to death while trash-talking him. he attempts to crawl away, but freebird steps on him, knocking him out. also in the room is a chest, which freebird picks the lock of. inside are valuable treasures, which david hoards. freebird and ryu find a masturbatory wall, but cannot use it due to their non-mammalian biology. ryu sticks his nose in the wall and inhales poison gas. the prisoner cultist's penis and finger are also stuck in the wall.

after a short rest in which the prisoner is repeatedly placed in and removed from the bag of holding, the party enters a large chamber with two eggs, when a voice calls to them. the voice is coming from a group of stalactites with a consentacle: a roper. it offers a third egg for meat. freebird puts the prisoner down, who is instantly consumed by the roper. the roper gives up the location of the third egg and then vanishes. the eggs are the eggs of a black dragon. freebird insists that the eggs be broken and their contents slain before they can work evil. david and aaaron refuse to let them be. aaaron promises an egg to gade and to throw another into limbo. freebird stabs an egg faster than aaaron can stop them. they nimbly cut it open, releasing the dragon embryo, and kill it. then they have a breakdown. aaaron suggests using the blue veils to leave. freebird sends their silver raven to leosin to tell him what the party has found. aaaron and david grab the remaining two eggs. then everyone falls asleep to use the blue veils.

Intermission 13.5: "a short solo adventure"

everyone in the party awakens in a different location. aaaron wakes in mechanus, where he kills some local modrons and steals their death clocks, and goes through an underground railroad. ryu goes back to fugue and chats with his pit fiend. david goes to gehenna, where he gets ash in his eyes and sits on a chair. freebird's exploits i can give in more detail. freebird wakes in the beastlands being licked by a giant wolf. they rise and take a few hours to dig a shallow grave for the dragonic embryo and bury it as best they can. freebird then sets off into the seemingly endless woods, encounters a stream, drinks from it, probably contracts giardia, and heads downstream. they eat some berries when they get hungry, and spy an oncoming storm. just as the storm arrives, freebird reaches a hill with a cliff, and takes refuge inside. they light their lantern, revealing a human skeleton in the cave. they start to freak out a little, and summon an unseen servant to search the cave, but it finds nothing. as darkness begins to fall and the storm still shows no signs of relenting, freebird looks out only to see a bear approaching. they stab it and, seeing that as ineffective, turn invisible and flee the cave. they use their unseen servant to block the rain while debating what to do. they decide the bear is probably less deadly than being outside, and return to the cave to kill the bear. with a sneak attack, they kill the bear before it even has the chance to retaliate. the beastland's magic turns freebird into a bear for killing one. freebear eats the dead bear and rests. when they wake, they find themselves a bird again, and also being attacked by a gnome with a purple hat, which knocks them out. all of the other party members were knocked out by similar gnomes.

Chapter 14: Another Fucking Medusa Lmao

the party awakens in a jail cell, in what they would later find out is the feywilds. as they begin to catch up on thir adventures, the court messenger of the magnanimous mister mathers approaches. he explains that he has seized the dragon eggs which david and aaaron held with them but lost while travelling with the blue veil, and will return them if the party completes the magnificent maze of the magnanimous mister mathers. he lets them out and vanishes. aaaron fails to jump the walls. the court messenger mentions a time limit. the party continues to a fork. the debate begins anew. ryu points out that they know nothing, so either direction is just as good, as long as david's in from the eat the paths. aaaron draws the hierophant of things, which says things once, quietly. everyone goes left, where they run across a door in a trippy hallway. there's a fucking egg in the way. an arm from the wall points at the egg. david pokes the egg. aaaron shoots the egg. david tries to go past the egg, but the door is too bouncy. freebird dodges the egg's leg and sticks an arm into it. ryu cleaves through the egg, causing it distress. david attacks the egg right in the clamshells. the egg glues itself to the door and wants death. ryu grants its wish. the door disappears.

past it is a courtyard with the eggs and an object covered in cloth. freebird removes the cloth, under which is a medusa. aaaron recovers it, allowing freebird to resist the petrification. the eggs are fakes made of stone. aaaron tries to call gade, but the court messenger doesn't let him. the maze continues with a split. the party goes right and david chops through a door leading into a study. inside, a dead cabbage is caged upon a piano. a note instructs the party to play dead as a caged cabbage. freebird plays DEADCAGEDCABBAGE on the piano, solving the puzzle. aaaron demonstrates his newlyfound clerical abilities by identifying ryu's cursed armour. the maze loops back around to the same fork as earlier. the party turns left and enters a courtyard identical to the one from earlier. freebird uncovers the object which is, again, a medusa. freebird instantly turns to stone. aaaron fails to recover the medusa, and david looks at it, but doesn't turn to stone. he recovers it correctly. the court messenger agrees to unpetrify freebird if the maze is completed in one percent of the time limit. david grabs freebird. the remaining party comes across a door, which speaks to them in a southern accent. it tells them to speak mellon and enter. ryu and aaaron wheedle the door into saying the word "friend", but are unsuccesful until aaaron casts command.

behind the door is another courtyard, similar to the first two but with a chest instead of a covered object and eggs. david opens the chest, which is a mimic and attacks him. ryu calls forth the forces of hell to destroy the mimic. the next room is another courtyard, identical to the first two. david removes the covering of the object, and beholds the slightly less ugly visage of the court messenger. he allows them to choose between depetrifying freebird or getting a marvelous magical machine, which of course instigates another round of debate. david decides to have freebird depetrified, which leaves a freebird statue behind. aaaron claims that because the statue is still there, freebird was not depetrified, so he is owed the machine. the court messenger tells aaaron that he can get the machine if he goes through the maze backwards, and that the eggs in the second courtyard, which nobody bothered to check, were the real ones. aaaron and david set off. aaaron sets the talking door from before on fire to get through it, which of course kills it. freebird asks the court messenger questions as they wait, but gets obstinance in return. as david returns through the egg hallway, the arm tries to grab him, but fails. at the beginning of the maze, aaaron finds a golden pocketwatch-like object. freebird loses their patience and stabs the court messenger, who retaliates with fey magic, but freebird dodges. david and aaaron return with the eggs and machine. aaaron opens the machine, in which there is a needle that can point to one of sixteen symbols, which represent the planes. when the needle points to a plane and a button is pressed, a voice tells the weather in that plane. as the court messenger readies to teleport the party to the magnanimous mister mathers himself, a restraining order suddenly activates and sends the party somewhere completely different.

Chapter 15: So Beautiful, Your Head Might Explode

the party appears before titania in her court, and she introduces herself. she explains that the magnanimous mister mathers, formerly known as oberon, is her ex, and she has a restraining order to stop him from operating in the feywilds. as she talks, a noble informs her that mister mathers is attacking the seelie court. titania asks the party's help in fending off the attack. just then, david's egg begins to hatch. titania immediately assumes the party are mathers' spies, and traps them in a cage while she goes to fight. out of the egg comes what is assumed to be a young black dragon. david feeds it dead bats. the fighting comes into the hall, with titania struggling against a metric truckload of red-hatted gnomes. ryu convinces her to let the party help. david kills scores of gnomes with his greataxe. the baby dragon tears through and eats gnomes. ryu kills even more gnomes. freebird casts shatter in the middle of the gnome horde. the horde of gnomes is soon routed. all of the dead gnomes disappear simultaneously in a blinding flash. titania thanks the party and refuses to parley with mathers. the other egg begins to hatch. aaaron and freebird get titania to teleport it to limbo before it can. the party debates on where to go next, and what to do with the baby dragon. they decide the baby dragon hasn't done anything worthy of murder yet, and to keep it around. titania forces silence upon everyone, but aaaron draws the maroon 5 of things, which sings 'things'. enraged, titania seizes and destroys the deck of many things. she offers the party one boon, and one minute to decide which. at the end of the minute before anyone can react aaaron asks to be sent to mechanus before anyone can stop him. ryu also asks for a lock of her hair, which she gives before sending everyone to mechanus.

Chapter 16: Death Clock

the party appears on a giant bronze cog in mechanus. david, terribly angered by aaaron forcing him to mechanus, attacks him. a pentadrone modron appears and demands an identification code, scaring freebird into turning invisible, but aaaron reads one from one of his stolen death clocks, appeasing the modron. david and freebird realize they have to keep aaaron alive to keep themselves alive. aaaron tells them about the underground railroad and begins to lead them to it. as they move over the cogs towards a distant pyramid, they are accosted by a cluster of duodrone modrons. although aaaron reads them the identification code, the modrons have a kill order registered for it and attack. they whack david, who fails to retaliate. freebird sneak stabs one, killing it instantly. aaaron and david work to de-limb the other two, leaving them helpless. aaaron tries and fails to disassemble one, but freebird makes a more successful attempt, removing a modron's death clock. aaaron leads the party off again, and they reach the pyramid. freebird stares into the void below until aaaron explains that foreigners are frequently dropped into it. the group enters the pyramid, and aaaron jumps up to a higher platform, letting a rope down to let the others also climb up. he meets a rogue modron that helped him on the underground railroad. the rogue leads the party to the part of the underground railroad aaaron knows.

with aaaron's guidance, the party navigates some vents and falls into a room with many inactive modrons. the party rests briefly, and david begins to run perilously low on bats. aaaron guides the party into a chute. at the bottom, they meet a dwarf who gave aaaron a key previously. aaaron returns the key to him and the party goes into yet another tunnel and into a cell. freebird locks the already unlocked door and then picks the lock. the party sneaks through the jail. along the way, freebird tries to feed the dragon, which aaaron names doog, a modron corpse, but doog refuses it. the party finds the kitchen, where bread-like substances are being produced. a blind robot in the center of the kitchen instructs the party to get on a conveyor belt in order to escape through "some magic." she also reads, somehow. freebird plans to leave doog there, but aaaron tells him in draconic to follow them. the party gets on the conveyer, and are transported to a drop, where they teleport to a place selected by aaaron's thoughts.

Chapter 17: The Way of the Northern Reaches

aaaron was thinking of his monastery, so the party appears on a snowy mountain in the material plane. doog follows. the bitter cold quickly tires aaaron and freebird. atop the mountain is a monastery, which everyone heads for. aaaron wraps himself in his bedroll. freebird creates a small flame with magic. time passes, and aaaron ends up even worse off. a snowstorm begins to set in, blinding everyone, and aaaron grows horribly cold and starts to lag behind. as ryu, freebird, and david see a light, aaaron can walk no more and begins to crawl, before collapsing entirely. the light resolves itself to three monks, who give the group warm clothing. they rescue aaaron as he wavers on death's doorstep, and take everyone to the monastery. as freebird and aaaron sleep of the cold, the monks offer to let the group stay. freebird wakes after ten hours, and finds out that the group is very far from the sword coast. the monks explain that aaaron should stay inside for a week, and that doog can hunt for food around. over the next few days, freebird researches, mostly into the monastry itself, and learns draconic from ryu, and david and doog go exploring around the mountain. after three days, thorne wakes, and is reunited with the others, who forgive him for sending them to mechanus after his near death. the party plans to travel to elturel for the purposes of research and claiming leosin's rewards after aaaron recovers.

just then, a parcel containing a deck of many things arrives from titania, to apologise for the brief imprisonment and as a replacement for the destroyed one. aaaron immediately draws balance from it, making him lawful. he also uses his clerical magic to identify the potions that freebird stole as a potion of clairvoyance and a potion of invisibility. ryu's pit fiend compels ryu to draw a card from the deck of many things. he draws the throne, giving him ownership of a small keep. aaaron identifies the deck of many things as a real deck of many things. freebird draws the moon, giving them the ability to cast wish twice. david confiscates the deck. aaaron announces that he wants to draw another card, and then falls asleep from exhaustion. he draws key in his sleep, summoning a magical sickle. the next day, freebird struggles to talk to doog. david, while out hunting with doog, draws the fool, which causes him to draw two more cards. they are the gem, which gives him exceedingly valuable jewelry, and the jester, which gives him a level up. freebird puts the deck of many things in the bag of holding so that nobody can draw without removing it.

the day after, a blizzard sets in, and freebird and aaaron perform a magic ritual to revert aaaron back to chaotic. two days later, the blizzard still shows no sign of relenting, and freebird decides to try and use an obelisk on the mountain's peak they learned of during their research to calm the weather. so that aaaron is not re-exposed, david volunteers to carry freebird up in the bag of holding. david and freebird bundle up to leave, but the instant freebird opens the bag of holding to get in, aaaron declares that he will draw three cards from the bag of holding. david sets off toward the mountaintop. freebird warms the inside of the bag with magic. david fights off the cold and reaches the obelisk, which creates a bubble of warmth. freebird gets out and investigates the obelisk, but before david can help, a yeti attacks. freebird sits and begins to meditate, exposing himself to the elements, as david clashes with the yeti. freebird's meditation reaches a zenith, removing the warmth bubble entirely. with the storm about him, david slays the yeti. freebird releases the obelisk's power and calms the storm, which shatters the obelisk. they and david descend back to the monastery. the instant they open the door, aaaron drinks his chaos soup. one of the three cards he had drawn was balance (the others were vizier and comet), and he drank the chaos to become chaotic again. it works, but also instantaneously kills him. suddenly, abyssal tendrils appear and knock everyone out.

Chapter 18: It's Almost Like the Plot is Moving Now

the party and doog i guess wake up in the abyss, where the chained goddess, noctis, speaks to them. she asks them to get revenge on the gods for her by killing them, under pain of eternal torture. to assist them in this matter, she gives everyone the last level up they'd get for six friggin months. she also makes the marvelous forecast machine a planar travel device, which transports people when they sleep like a blue veil. finally, she gives the party a length of chain, to bind the gods' eternal forms after their avatars are slain. aaaron calls gade, and seems generally unconcerned. noctis lists the gods she wants slain. she also mentions that a new god was just created. david asks if it's the dragon that was sent to limbo. it's the dragon that was sent to limbo. then she returns everyone to consciousness, including aaaron. the monks, worried about everyone's sudden unconsciousness, take the party to an onsen. david hates it. freebird and aaaron get towels. the monk leads the party down the mountain, so that they can get to the town of chershire, where they can take a wagon to elturel. aaaron and the monk easily jump down a cliff, but freebird falls. david catches them. freebird, going to draw, notices that two 'mask' cards have been added to the deck of many things. they draws the moon, and get two more wishes. aaaron draws the star, giving him an asi. the monk draws ruin, but because they are a monk with no possesions, nothing happens. at aaaron's persistence, david draws ruin, deleting his entire company, all the treasure he was hoarding, his weapon, and the jewelry from the sun. aaaron gives david a replacement shortsword. the monk leads the gang down another cliff. david carries aaaron down on his back.

at the bottom of the mountain, the monk parts ways with the party. in a forest, aaaron runs off to attack a bear, so that he can get the level up from comet, but loses it. freebird hides in a bush. a man approaches david and aaaron, tells them that he's being attacked by a werebear, and begs for them to take him back to the village. freebird jumps out of the bush and scares him, growling and casting an illusion of a bear. the man bites david. he is, naturally, a werebear. aaaron insists on fighting him alone for the comet, but david retaliates against the werebear anyway. freebird hides in a bush. aaaron vindictively refuses to help david. freebird pokes their head out of a bush, casts a spell, and goes right back to hiding. david hits the werebear but doesn't do much. aaaron continues to do nothing. freebird tries to stab the werebear but also is mostly ineffective. david calls doog in. he and the bear brawl. aaaron, angered by doog being injured, joins the fray. doog's acid and aaaron's magic prove effective against the bear, and it is defeated. aaaron insists on a replacement draw for the comet. he draws the throne. david draws the gem. doog also wants to draw a card, for some reason. he announces his desire to draw, and waits an hour to see what it is.

Chapter 19α: Dooged Timeline

doog draws the void, which sucks out his soul. aaaron uses his vizier to find out what happened to doog. doog's soul is trapped in the spawning stone in limbo. freebird draws to try and help doog. they draw the euryale, which curses them. aaaron draws as well, and gets talons, which destroys his magic sickle, boots of striding and springing, ring of invisibility, sending stone to gade, and the marvelous machine. he resolves to do anything he can do reverse this, and begins rapidly drawing cards. a knight appears under his service (knight). all of his material possessions disappear (ruin). david returns the shortsword. an avatar of death appears to kill aaaron in single combat (skull). a magic ice whip also manifests (key). aaaron uses it to kill death and keeps drawing. he gets wish spells (moon) before getting his soul sucked out (void) but using wish to undo it. the ice whip vanishes (talons). a magic rainbow robe appears (sun). finally, aaaron draws the fates. he uses freebirds pearl necklace to identify the rainbow robe as a robe of scintillating colours. debate breaks out as to what aaaron should do with the fates, which can undo an event. aaaron chooses to undo doog drawing the void, and time reverses.

Chapter 19β: Diseases and Cures

doog draws the mask, which seems to do nothing. freebird and aaaron begin to suspect that, because david was bitten by a werebear, he is now infected. making it out of the forest, the party votes to camp overnight there. aaaron discovers that the deck of many things was changed, and now has entirely different cards. he identifies the deck as a deck of illusions. he and freebird conspire to run from david as soon as he is asleep, so that they are far away when he is a werebear. they fake falling asleep, and then book it. david does, in fact, turn into a werebear. he kills and eats ryu, although midi escapes by riding doog. then he chases after freebird and aaaron. aaaron ditches freebird and runs to chershire. david bites freebird, turning them into a werebear as well. freebird the werebear stalls david the werebear until morning. then they turn back to normal and also go to chershire. the townspeople are fearful, because they suspect that they are lycanthropes. thorne finds them. he summons a gnome from the deck of illusions, and then dispels it. a shady townsperson leads the party to a very shady apothecary. the apothecary explains that in order to cure lycanthropy, which is a disease in the blood, he simply has to remove all the blood. he lays david on a surgical table, stabs him with a metal rod, and concludes that he does have lycanthropy. he knocks david out with an anesthetic, i hope, and then slashes his neck. once most of david's blood is gone, he replaces it with some from some blood bags he just... had. with some magical assistance from freebird, david survives the procedure. then it is freebird's turn. with magical assistance from aaaron, freebird survives their procedure as well, although they didn't get any anesthesia.

aaaron puts a little bit of the blood that was drained from the two of them into a vial. then he takes the powdered silver which was supposed to be used in the treatment but wasn't and runs it back up to the monastery, to replace the silver he used to cast the spell to revert his alignment back to chaotic. meanwhile, freebird and david clear out the ghouls from the medical ward with relative ease, although david takes heterosexual damage from fighting while injured. they go to sleep in the medical ward. freebird wakes when their spidey-sense tingles, and sees the strange doctor man reveal his true form as an oni. they rouse david with a screech, and the pair launches an attack, but the oni just regenerates and sends freebird to sleep. david shakes him awake, and slams into the oni until he falls. then he and freebird run past him and out into the street. the oni turns into gas and gives chase. david flees town to search for doog and aaaron while freebird begins to request aid from the townsfolk. they surround and defeat the oni, thank freebird, and tell them to leave. david finds doog. freebird leaves to go find david. david finds aaaron, who has finished replacing the silver. freebird finds david. they return to the town to find midi, and eventually locate her on top of a building. freebird climbs up and chucks her down. the party leaves town again, planning to chase the wagon to elturel on foot, but camps before they get far. secretly, aaaron activates the marvelous machine. everyone sleeps.

Chapter 20β: Requires Tempura Sour

the party wakes up in limbo. they can't breathe, and they just barely survive the elements until freebird stabilizes an air bubble. david and freebird are, naturally, pretty pissed at aaaron, but they need his stabilization prowess. aaaron notices that the party is directly adjacent to the spawning stone, which noctis had told the party to break in order to defeat the githch. aaaron makes a stone disk for everyone to get on and floats over. freebird tries to use limbo's power to create an axe for david from their illusions, but accidentally creates illusory duplicates of themself. aaaron determines that the spawning stone is the spawning stone, but cannot break it. freebird casts shatter, but the stone is immune. they do successfully make david an axe. the stone continues to prove impervious to attack, until aaaron begins speaking to it in modron. then he casts identify, but the stone resists that, too. aaaron speaks to the stone again, and learns that it is broken. he attaches a death clock to it. then he impersonates primus to log into the rock. freebird summons an assassin from the deck of illusions, but he instantly dies in the soup. aaaron continues to question the stone until it uses up the death clock, but cannot make sense of the answers. he attaches another death clock, and figures out how to cause the stone to self destruct. the party debates over what to do, but cannot figure out a way to destroy the stone and escape before limbo destabilises and kills them. aaaron makes a new flcleiling machine, and the party zooms off in a random direction.

they fly into pieces of a destroyed city floating around. as they investigate, three slaadi attack. freebird casts a lingering shatter. the slaadi attack david. doog, aaaron, and david counter attack. the slaadi regenerate somewhat, and attack david. freebird drops a chair on one with gravity manipulation. thorne punches it to death. the slaadi attack david. doog knocks another one off the flclieling machine. the slaadi attack david, knocking him out. freebird heals him. everyone beats the remaining one to death and doog eats it. the party continues to sail in a random direction.

Chapter 21β: Wild Magic All Night Long

david flings a metal cone. the flcieling machine arrives at a silvery pillar, where two dragonborn and a halfling are stuck. their names are promptly forgotten. they explain that the pillar is a guidon, which can use divination magic to guide one through limbo, and that they were on a boat when something destroyed it, stranding them there. the halfling has been barely able to stabilize enough air for them. freebird makes a hemisphere for them to get on. aaaron identifies the guidon as a guidon, and points out that he can wait eight hours to get divination magic from his deity, but that would destroy the flclieling machine. he talks with the halfling to try and get him to pick a direction. meanwhile. david tries to steal the bag of holding from freebird so he can use the potion of clairvoyance. freebird is displeased and seperates their hemisphere from the flcieling machine. aaaron asks for the halfling to be returned so he can continue talking to them. freebird chucks them towards the flcieling machine, but they instantly die while flying through space. the dragonborn are reasonably upset and attack freebird. freebird flees onto the flcieling machine, destabilizing the hemisphere and nearly killing them both, but the flcieling machine catches them. david also tries to attack freebird, but freebird vanishes. david summons a large pole to try and find the invisibird. aaaron gives the dragonborn medical treatment. freebird reappears, summons up wish, and flips a coin. it's tails. freebird casts ressurection, bringing the halfling back to life.

they also destroy their notebook for symbolism. the dragonborn and halfling debate. freebird uses limbo to make a paper from illusions, accidentally covering themself in silver flames as they do. the halfling convinces the dragonborn to not murder freebird and to stay on the flclieling machine. aaaron gets the halfling to pick a direction, and they're off again. everyone rests while aaaron stays awake to maintain the machine. he spams magic, letting limbo twist it as it will. in the 'morning', he has a rock affixed to his arm, a card from the deck of many things, a lot of money, and absolutely no hair. david hordes the money. freebird draws the card, which is the vizier. they ask it how to get to the nearest town, percival. then they relay those instructions to aaaron. everyone is very hungry. the flclieling machine reaches the remnants of percival, because of course percival was destroyed as well. a gith there takes them in as refugees, and explains that an explosion somehow destroyed the cities across the entire plane. things aren't stabilizing properly anymore either. david tries to explain that the dragon titania sent to limbo may have been responsible, but freebird and aaaron claim his insanity and get everyone sent to the doctor. the doctor tells aaaron to get some rest and heals freebird of a small wound. freebird and david decide to return to the material plane. the doctor gives aaaron a stack of papers when he asks for a blood sample. aaaron falls asleep, and david and freebird put him in the bag of holding. the doctor tells david that doog is not a dragon, but a wyvern, and gives freebird a message to give to a lady named dresden in elturel. then doog, david, and freebird locate the city's still-standing gate back to the material plane and enter. as they travel, they wake up in the abyss, where noctis upbraids them for not killing any gods yet, before they wake up again.

Intermission 21.5β一: Pretty Elturel, Eh?

the party wakes in a tree in a park in elturel. they jump out of the tree, scaring passersby, and cross the street to a tavern. inside, freebird scares off a posse of dark-hooded men, and david is a bad businessman. aaaron orders way too many meat pies. the party finally gets to eat, and gets directions to their various errands. then they split up, and this time, yours truly actually can tell what everyone did. david and aaaron go through the shopping district. they enter a store of magic items and other trinkets, but all of the magic items are crap. next, they go to a jewelry store to try and sell the jewelry from the gem, but the store is unwilling to pay more than a quarter of its value. then they enter the bank. they get routed to the exchanges desk, then the non-humanoid exchanges desk (because doog is there), and then the non-humanoid valuble material exchanges desk, where the necklaces are evaluated. they are then given a ticket and sent back to the exchanges desk, and then the non-humanoid valuable material exchange reflectiveness, density, mass, and purity ticket credibility officer's desk, and then the credible non-humanoid valuable material exchange reflectiveness, density, mass, and purity ticket processing desk, where they fake a credible non-humanoid valuable material exchange quantity ticket, get doog to sign a non-humanoid valuable material exchange acceptance document, and finally sell half of the jewelry... to doog's account. they go to the withdrawals desk, then the non-humanoid withdrawals desk, then the non humanoid total withdrawals desk, where david finds that a non-humanoid account under his surname exists. first, they make total withdrawal from doog's account, though, which dumps so much money on the two of them that aaaron instantly dies.

Intermission 21.5β二: Studs and Buttons

meanwhile, freebird has exchanged their leather armour for some studded leather and gone to helm's shieldhall, where the monks, including leosin, were last seen. they enter to find that the monks already left, but a cyclops there has been entrusted with the reward. freebird gives him their report, and finds that the silver raven did not arrive. they get their payment, and ask for his aid in finding the raven before leaving for the local college. there, freebird researches the gods that noctis wanted dead, but doesn't find much. they head to the bank to sell their share of the jewelry from the gem. they go to the exchanges desk, the humanoid exchanges desk, and then are directed to the avian humanoid exchanges desk. freebird takes offense from that, and goes to the complaints department, where they are directed to the humanoid complaints desk. the person there tries to direct freebird to the avian humanoid complaints desk, but freebird points out that that is why they're there. they get sent directly to the manager. fed up with all of this, freebird casts shatter on the manager, who is a mind flayer. in a short but fierce battle, the manager catches freebird and flays their mind, leaving them unconscious.

asleep, they wake with thorne in the abyss. shortly afterwards, david gets aaaron revived by the bank employees in exchange for one mortal corpse, one year of indentured servitude, and 600 gold. in the abyss, noctis tells freebird to go kill tiamat first. david goes to make a withdrawal from the account with his surname, while aaaron goes to find a corpse and a person willing to work for a year. freebird, unconscious, is moved to the foyer. david withdraws a stuffed animal from the account. aaaron kills a rat and finds a homeless man. in the abyss, freebird gets bored of waiting and stabs themself, destabilizing their body in the material plane. aaaron and david regroup. aaaron stabilizes and rouses freebird. the bank gets paid the money, rat corpse, and homeless man. the party returns to the tavern to get the rest of their meat pie order. aaaron identifies the stuffed animal as a snugglebeast. everyone snuggles with it on top of david's massive bag of gold. then they go to a magic item store, where david and aaaron get bags of holding and freebird buys everyone an immovable button. david and aaaron go to the local college to research tiamat, and find a professor who has travelled to avernus. freebird goes to the bank, to the avian humanoid complaints desk, and is sent to the manager, who is a mind flayer. they get their brain back and then some, but lose all their memories of the manager. then they also go to the college. everyone goes to the professor, who gives exposition: a war took place in avernus years ago, and zariel, leader of the angels, was imprisoned by tiamat. he also knows dresden. the party readies to leave for avernus with the professor in tow. freebird leaves for about an hour, and then everyone goes to sleep. in the abyss, david gives noctis the snugglebeast to keep her company, because it wuvs her sooooooooooo much.

Chapter ?γ: The Worst Timeline

at the end of time, freebird and a wizard named casia stand before the dungeon of acererak ii. they enter, seeking to slay acererak and end the world. the door immediately closes behind them. a minion with a magic mouth spell on it speaks nonsense at them until they leave to the left. they enter into a hall of doors. freebird enters one, which teleports them back to the minion. the party proceeds down the hall of doors until they reach a chest with swords hanging above it. the swords are all mimics. inside the chest is a butt that farts. the party flees. they try to go right at the entrance, but are blocked by an invisible wall. they return to the hall of doors, where freebird opens all of the doors until one of them is a mimic. casia shoots it with her rays of frost and freebird with their crossbow until it dies. through the empty doorframe is a tiled corridor, with alternating solid floors and pits. freebird summons an unseen servant, which walks directly over the pit and then falls through the solid floor. they are, naturally, illusions. freebird jumps the solid bit and uses a rope to pull casia across and up. the next pit is a pit, but it's on a corner, so casia easily steps over it. around the corner, a wall is lined with ten sarcophagi. casia opens one, in which are seven apes and a +3 wand of the war mage. casia retreats over the pit. the apes pelt her with rocks, but she casts shield and then pulse wave, pulling them into the pit. then she opens all of the sarcophagi remotely with mage hand, in which are 52 apes and a +3 shortsword. freebird uses an illusion of a banana to lure all of them into the pit, which fills it. casia attunes to the wand while freebird does the same with the shortsword. they are both turned into monkeys.

casimonke and freemonke continue past the sarcophagi to a room with four ghosts playing poker, but freemonke beats them all. the monkeys return to the previous corridor, where a toxic gas is now seeping out of the walls. there are jelly cubes on the floor. freebird shoves their face in one, giving them immunity to the gas, but not before contracting a disease that will kill them in a few days. casia manages to resist the gas. the monkey party returns to the hall of doors, and casia opens the remaining ones until one is a mimic. freebird and casia quickly dispatch of it. they walk into a room full of sand. casia pulls a stopper out, and the sand begins to drain, revealing giant spiders. they start killing them, but the spiders keep emerging. as the last of the sand is drained, freebird casts shatter in the spiders midst, killing all but one. it webs casia, but she kills it with magic. the monkeys rest on the floor before heading through the newly opened hole. the chamber at the bottom is also full of sand. freebird pulls the plug, revealing a chain devil with the key to the door of the chamber taped to his buttcheek. casia casts hypnotic pattern on it, allowing freebird to grab the key and for the two to make their escape.

the next room has seven glass cases with keys and a door with six locks. casia just pours water into the locks and freezes it with magic to break the locks, but the door does not open. suddenly, david shows up, having made it through the rest of the dungeon after casia and freebird somehow. he shatters a case and swallows a key. alarms go off, and a panel in the wall opens up, allowing several goblins to pass through before closing again. freebird and david quickly kill them. david shatters another case, and more goblins come out. casia staves off the goblins before the entire party enters through the panel. beyond it, they find the goblin storage room, and then a fat goblin who offers gauntlets of true invincibility for a butt that farts. freebird farts on him. the goblin removes freebird's monkey butt with a cleaver and gives them the gauntlets. back in the goblin storeroom, david destroys a door, and the party continues into another tiled hallway. the first tile, which david steps on, plays all star. the second casts power word kill on him, killing him instantly. casia walks on david's body over the second tile and steps on the third, which teleports her to the dungeon entrance with the minion. she quickly goes back through the dungeon, with freebird aiding her flight past the chain devil. the monkeys step on the fourth tile, which plays all star. they step on the fifth, which casts a spell, knocking casia out.

freebird grabs her, jumps the sixth tile, and heals her. the two continue, only stepping on every third tile. navigating this way, they turn some corners until casia lands on a greasy tile and falls, which is a good way for her to learn that the ground is safe again. the monkeys enter a room with skeletons sitting around a good old game of dnd. casia picks up the d12 and rolls it, teleporting her to a demiplane from which there is no escape. freebird, now alone, gathers up all the dice and leaves the room, where they find the grease is actually an oblex. while freebird cannot be harmed due to the gauntlets of true invincibility, the oblex still drains all their memory before freebird manages to kill it. in a daze, they wander into a maze of mirrors, which is on the other side of the invisible wall. they get lost and go the wrong way several times before running into a mirror duplicate of themself. due to their gauntlets, they kill it in a very long battle. they finally find the right way, but start going down an infinite spiral. they turn around, and enter the door to the chamber in which acererak resides. acererak has spells that can bypass the gauntlets of true invincibility. in desperation, freebird throws all of the dice at acererak, instantly converting him into a mimic, which freebird easily dispatches. they roll the d12 and get teleported outside the dungeon. of course, a few days later, they die from the disease and the world ends anyway.

Intermission 21.75β: Self Consistency Always Wins

an hour-ish before the party leaves for avernus, freebird runs towards dresden's house. upon arriving, dresden invites them in for a cup of tea. she explains that the doctor was a former student of hers, emily. freebird delivers the message. dresden asks freebird several dozen questions about kenku, which freebird answers before running out to go to helm's shieldhall. they interrupt sir frume's dinner to ask about the whereabouts of their raven. frume gives freebird the location, which he obtained from his god or whatever. freebird runs towards that location, when they are suddenly accosted by the dark-hooded men that they scared off earlier. the men explain that they are a group called SABRE, and tell freebird to be alone for an hour to meet them in avernus. freebird agrees, and then continues running towards the raven. at the described location, they find it, and return to the group.

Chapter 22β: Lawful ⊕ Evil

the party and the professor awake in avernus. the professor suggests that in order to not die and chain tiamat, the party should get zariel's sword from the hoard of the dragon queen and return it to zariel. the party enters a nearby town to try and get directions. along the way, aaaron and freebird kill an innocent(?) devil and steal its soul currency. david takes its corpse. in the town, a puddley-looking devil attacks david, so he and freebird beat it to death. two rival merchants offer the party directions for a price: a nose-looking one called nose, and one that speaks in many voices called the many-merchant. they make offers and counteroffers until the many-merchant offers to throw in a towel. david instantly accepts, giving the many-merchant the soul currency, which was in freebird's possession. the directions are very useless, but the party uses them to guess which way to go. whelk advances. aaaron stands in its way and gets decabit. david calms whelk. whelk leaves. in a tunnel, aaaron buys a motorbike from a cerberus for 10000 gp. he makes david pay for it. everybody gets on and the professor drives.

the bike jumps a chasm. another bike with a blob of those puddley looking devils on it shows up. freebird shatters literally all of them. the professor stops the bike as the party reaches a cliff overlooking a plain of sorts. on the plain are a volcano, ruins about a river, and a basalt structure. a wasp shows up and attacks david repeatedly, then hides under the cliff edge when he counterattacks. david jumps off the cliff, breaks his shortsword, falls on the wasp, killing it, and then sticks his axe into the wall, breaking that but saving himself. everyone else feather falls down normally. they rest in some ruins. in the night, freebird runs off to meet with SABRE. a member of SABRE arrives, and explains that SABRE is a group of the remnants of the postal service. he teaches freebird a spell to summon SABRE. in the morning, while freebird is asleep and therefore in the abyss, thorne goes to sleep to also go the abyss. they chat with nocty mommy. david eats the devil corpse. the prof teaches him how to drive a motorbike. freebird and aaaron wake up, and everyone gets on the bike to drive to the volcano, where tiamat's hoard probably is.

Chapter 23β: Make a Dexterity Saving Throw

they immediately encounter nose and stop. that one imp way back from chapter 10α also shows up. david buys a magic axe from nose for 500 gp. the imp tries to steal david's soul. david voluntarily sells it for a t-shirt. it doesn't fit. the imp and nose both leave. everyone continues. there's a lava river, too wide for the bike to jump. as everyone contemplates what to do, some centipede-bearded devils attack. they try to take the bike. david and the professor beat one to death. freebird, aaaron, and david teach another cloacademics, killing it. the remaining one absconds. debate ensues. nose appears. freebird buys a magic shortsword from nose. the prof hits david, causing his ice shield to activate and freeze the entire river because lucy has had enough. nose leaves. david drives the motorbike over the lava and to the volcano, despite aaaron's best attempts to convince him to do otherwise. aaaron and freebird speak to the gatekeepers, and bribe them to let the party past. the gate closes behind them. some devils attack. thorne is wounded and bleeds profusely. nobody can hit one of them, because it is deft. freebird and the professor are injured and become deathly ill. finally, all of the devils are slain. everyone goes down some stairs and arrive at a storeroom. david walks in, fails a dex save, and is hooked by a meat hook. aaaron walks in, fails a dex save, and is hooked by a meat hook. david frees himself, but the hook is permanently in his back now. freebird pokes a pole, passes a dex save, and part of the ceiling collapses, but they dodge. david looks at a crate, passes a dex save, and it fires a bolt at him but he dodges. the party decides to leave the storeroom. they continue down the stairs.

david steps on a trapped stair, passes a dex save, and does not fall in a hole. aaaron steps on another trapped stair, passes a dex save, and does not fall in a hole. the party continues down the stairs, avoiding storerooms and trapped steps alike. eventually they reach a very big gate. the spirit of the gate appears. aaaron tells it that he is greedy, and it opens. behind is the hoard of the dragon queen. freebird, the prof, and david are all charmed by it and begin to take the riches composing it. aaaron, not charmed, finds the sword of zariel and tries to draw it, but it burns him. aaaron reluctantly frees everyone from their trances. david continues to accrue riches. freebird tries to draw the sword, but it burns them. aaaron half-heartedly blesses himself and freebird, and tries to draw the sword, but it burns him. freebird prays to velka, and draws the sword with its leave. tiamat is aroused and the chamber begins to collapse. the party begins to climb the stairs. lava fills the chamber and rises after them. david grabs the prof to speed their travel. the party makes it to the gate, which is still sealed. lava is rising up the stairs still. david punches a hole in the door. freebird teleports through and aaaron crawls under. with their combined might, the gate opens. everyone gets on the bike and david drives them away from the volcano as it erupts.

Intermission 23.5β: 壁ドン

the party heads towards a ruin to rest. when they arrive, they find it inhabited. the many-merchant are there for some reason. a devil gives the party directions to an inn. the many merchant try to buy the sword of zariel. it then offers a whip for a soul. the party ignores them and enters the inn. a robot is there. david buys a drink which is literally lava. he chugs it and buys another. aaaron decides to befriend the robot, which is named reginold. freebird buys a glass of water. prices are exponential. freebird becomes drunk off of the water. david drinks more lava. the innkeeper offers the party a place to sleep, and also to beat them to help them sleep. aaaron decides to adopt regi. regi mocks freebird. he then proceeds to try to magically charm freebird. it fails. freebird then proceeds to try to magically charm the robot. it fails. a bouncer decides eject freebird. freebird teleports behind regi and shouts at him. the bouncer throws them both out. everyone laughs at freebird. david attacks freebird. freebird absconds. everyone else falls asleep. they force regi to bind his soul to noctis. freebird reappears and is upset by this turn of events. noctis tortures david. everyone wakes up and goes to an ominus glowing whispering purple temple sort of thing. an undead heals freebird and the professor and leads the party to the river styx. it offers to change the party's fate. david decides he wants to learn draconic and animal handling. freebird decides they don't want to learn how to play the theremin. aaaron decides he doesn't want to be a cleric.

Intermission -0.5𝛿: Do you wish to see your fate?

a young david saw a fox and decided he wanted to learn animal handling. he also saw a dragon in a book and decided he wanted to learn how to speak draconic. a young freebird, picking at random, decided to learn to play the lyre. a young aaaron at a monastery decided to spend a day training instead of seeing a missionary. these things have always been true, obviously.

Intermission 23.5𝛿: self-indulgence

the party heads toward a ruin to rest...

............

...it offers to change the party's fate. for some reason, the party exclusively asks for things that are already true and are confused. then aaaron asks to see the future, and gets told that his future is in the past. reginold magically attack the river styx. it retaliates in kind. a soul flies past. the party returns to the city. they decide to meet up at the casino after achieving some solo business. aaaron returns to the river and bottles some of the souls. he then trades one of them for the whip from the many merchant. it's a magic ice whip that may have been in the α timeline. david runs into the bouncer and gets "shit faced" [sic]. regi falls in a hole, and the prof begins to help him out, so when the group reunites at the casino, they are absent. a devil warns the party not to bet their own souls and vanishes. david, freebird, and aaaron enter the casino.

Chapter 24𝛿: Vague Awooga

in the lobby, aaaron, david, and freebird get cards printed and put money proportional to the amount they have on them. all of the casino employees have very nice suits. the party begins at the first tier of games, which get increasingly surreal on higher tiers. freebird loans some money to another kenku, who wins at a slot machine and pays them back. david plays a game of guessing a random number. aaaron plays a game of multiplying his money tenfold. david continues to guess a random number until he is allowed up to the second tier. aaaron continues to play his game, multiplying his money by another 600. freebird tries the same game, and multiplies their money by one twenty-second. aaaron gives them 248000 gold. everyone proceeds to the second tier. they play a game of luck and betting with no minimum bets. everyone bets so low that aaaron only wins one gold. at the next table, everyone plays redjack. david gets redjack, causing everyone to lose. david finds out that nobody is allowed to leave the casino once they've entered, and that the only way out is to win the game on the final tier. should they fail, they would become an employee of the casino. david puts more money on his card. aaaron and freebird play a game which they cannot understand and david plays redjack again.

everyone proceeds to the third tier. there, what's being bet is not gold, but souls. aaaron and freebird play a game against a succubus, which charms aaaron. david grabs a trumpet and plays it, but is so bad at it that it sucks out some of his souls. aaaron kisses the succubus, which sucks out some of his soul. everyone moves to another table, where what is being bet is the cards themselves. everyone gets cards with more souls but less gold. they move on to the fourth tier. david enters a wardrobe, and is forced to answer a riddle about boxes. freebird enters the wardrobe, meets noctis inside, and is forced to answer a riddle about crinolines. they win a crinoline. aaaron goes to a bed and falls asleep. david defeats a devil with a saxophone. aaaron wakes up, and he and david fail to operate a slot machine. freebird sticks a pole in a hole, winning another slot machine. aaaron enters the wardrobe, and is forced to answer a riddle about horses. the robot devil appears, and allows everyone to proceed up to the fifth and final tier. he offers to grant the party any deal if they can beat him in a fiddle contest. the party nominates freebird to fiddle. the contest begins. freebird tunes the fiddle. they and the devil begin a back and forth series of bars, and the devil soundly wins the first movement. in the second movement, freebird makes use of all of their magical tricks to play rush e. in the third movement, freebird and their illusory clone play freebird the song. with the contest over, the devil gives freebird victory and offers them the deal. the party debates and decides to ask for a way to freely travel to the material plane, and some of the employee suits. when they bring out mathers' machine to have the devil modify it, the devil reacts poorly, and kicks the party out after giving them the suits.

Chapter 25𝛿: Into the Plot Hole

regi is finally freed from the hole. the party visits the temple and finds it closed, literally. aaaron leads the party to the many-merchant, who reads with a sword and vanishes into a hole. aaaron tries to follow it by bungee jumping but freebird fails to hold the other end of the rope. at the bottom, it is very dark and aaaron is unable to escape. freebird jumps in after him. david tries to give them a rope to climb up with, but aaaron and freebird are wary and don't trust it. david, regi, and the prof give up and go to the bar. they have a drink and talk about their plans before getting on the motorcycle to go to the basalt citadel, but check on the hole first. meanwhile, in the hole, freebird and aaaron meet the many-merchant in the hole. they turn on the lights. freebird shoots david with their crossbow. david, infuriated, grabs regi and leaves. in the hole, the many-merchant demands to know whether the party stole the sword of zariel and caused the volcanic eruption. freebird and aaaron are not subtle. the many-merchant explains that the hole is actually in the underdark. they and aaaron swap blood like pokemon cards. freebird buys a ring of clear flavour invisibility from the many merchant for one of aaaron's bottled souls. back in hell, david and regi encounter a devil shepherd, and david decides to drive way too close, which scares some of its flock. regi and david defend themselves against the rams until the devil recaptures them. they continue onwards to the citadel. in the hole, freebird and aaaron try to get information out of the many-merchant, but it's difficult because everyone involved is extremely stingy and self-serving. aaaron trades more bottled souls for a disgusting and useless boot. because it is useless, the many merchant answers some questions on orcus. then they kick freebird and aaaron out to the citadel.

Chapter 26𝛿: The Ballad of Ryugoto Kenshin.midi

david, regi, and the prof arrive at the citadel to find freebird and aaaron already there. the group catches up and contemplates the gate to the citadel. after entering through the front door, freebird uses zariel's sword to navigate through. when it gets too dark to see, reginold falls directly upwards and is eaten by doog. the group of n-1 proceeds to a courtyard, where ryugoto kenshin and freebird hachikuji "midi" ryugoto cox await. ryu explains that after he died, he slew his pit fiend and took its place as a devil working under tiamat. meanwhile, david peruses some statuary. ryu goes on and on about his stupid final-fantasy-esque philosophy until david surprise attacks him. midi, who is now a shadow, flies into the air and buffs ryu's sword. ryu severely injures david. freebird turns invisible and runs away to try and free zariel. aaaron enters the fray, navigating around a small small black hole summoned by midi and stunning ryu. midi shoots a laser about it. aaaron and david bludgeon the stunned ryu. ryu breaks out of the stun, grows another five feet, and does a groundpound, knocking out david. meanwhile, freebird has found zariel behind a thick wall and tries to shatter it, which attracts the attention of midi. she flies after freebird, and after another round of being puched by aaaron ryu follows. aaaron stabilizes david. at zariel's cell, freebird delivers a friendship speech to try and get midi and ryu to not fight. midi is unconvinced and shoots freebird with her gun. aaaron shows up and announces his intentions to smack a child, so ryu kills him. as he dies, aaaron drinks his vial of various blood and dissolves. freebird casts wish to cast dimension door to enter zariel's cell and return her sword. zariel escapes and banishes ryu and midi.

Intermission 26.5𝛿: Gopp Goop

zariel resuscitates david with her magic fingers. david and freebird rest and try to explain to zariel why they rescued her without mentioning noctis and enlist her aid in defeating tiamat. as they explain, aaaron shows up, hairful and rockless. he is angry at the many-merchant and is a plasmid now. freebird gains the ability to summon the invisible hand. zariel is confused. david begins to wield one half of ryu's greatsword, which was cloven in two as he was banished. nobody has a plan. suddenly, tiamat roars. everybody quickly egresses. the professor, upon seeing zariel, begins to simp before being brutally murdered by a floor spike. tiamat speaks, inviting the group into her lair. zariel proposes that the party do just that, and while they distract tiamat she come down from on high and sever each of tiamat's heads. freebird summons a familiar. zariel takes the professor's body and ascends to heaven. david, aaaron, and freebird hop on the motorcycle and drive to the volcano where tiamat has built her lair.

Chapter 27𝛿: David Needs Psychiatric Help

the motorcycle arrives at tiamat's front door, where the party is attacked by twelve scary devils. the devils swarm the bike, while david and aaaron try to fend them off. freebird hops off the bike and shatters a bunch of them. david and aaaron advance the bike through the gate, followed by a swarm of enemies. though aaaron and david slay many, them, the devils rip the bike in two. david kills them all in a bikevengeance bikevisceration. freebird unlocks purple fire abilities and kills the ones remaining outside. david closes the gate permanently. after a rest, the party starts exploring the dungeon, running into a powerful wizard. he has no underwear and david introduces himself, freebird, aaaron, and freebird's familiar as doog, dmitri, whelk, and nose respectively. freebird wins initiative, crits, blows past a shield spell, and kills the wizard instantly. then david runs ahead and kills another wizard with no underwear while freebird and aaaron loot the first one. david then slams a door open, alerting more enemies. the party quickly dispatches them. exploring further, aaaron finds a room full of enemies on straw mattresses. david barricades the door with the broken motorcycle and freebird uses the invisible hand to light the straw ablaze. the party opens chests containing items of little value and is attacked by more enemies. david and aaaron block the entrance to the room while freebird attacks from behind. they slay the foes, but the noise brings nine more running. still controlling the narrow entrance, the party defeats these hostiles as well, but not without significant damage to david. freebird beats their meat. david needs therapy. aaaron leads the party into a room of corpses. there they find a living human child named stirling. aaaron and david give it food and water and take it to the underpantsless wizard's bed. freebird begins to suspect that stirling is hiding something, but cannot convince the others.

after searching the corpse room, david and freebird determine that stirling is a cannibal. meanwhile, aaaron harrases it. freebird becomes a registered hex offender. finally, after lying for many minutes straight, the party convinces stirling to divulge his secret: he had stolen the mathers machine from aaaron. aaaron reclaims it and everyone is upset. freebird telephones the postal service and asks them to deliver the kid, but is informed that they do not deliver conscious packages. they knock stirling out and deliver it via technicality. aaaron and david call each other pedophiles. the party finds a room with enemies and for once chooses pacifism. they find a storeroom, which is trapped, because apparently all of tiamat's storerooms are trapped to the nines. freebird sets it on fire, but it's full of oil and explodes. david cuts open a door to a prison, his sanity flagging. he finds most of the prisoners dead, but wastes water and manages to rescuscitate one, who immediately begins strangling him. david kills the innocent, addled, and weakened prisoner. freebird and aaaron have long since fled. they explore the dungeon before coming to an impassable pile of rubble. david catches up and destroys them, also destroying his axe and delivering a soliloquy in the process. continuing on, the party encounters a scary blind man and his pet lion thing. he names himself as naergoth and explains that he is a wight and that his treasure hoard is the party's for the taking, so long as they do not touch his artifact. the guards of the treasure hoard will not attack unless someone touches the treasure. freebird and aaaron want the treasure so, with naergoth's help, they defeat the guards while david runs away. then they take several hundred pounds of treasure while david continues running away. david eventually reaches a locked door and needs freebird's help. after it is unlocked, the door opens to reveal a study with several magic items. freebird recieves a dragontooth dagger.

aaaron recieves a magic crest which boosts his punching. david recieves nothing. upset, he blocks the way to the artifact, but aaaron and freebird use freebird's familiar to view it anyway. it is a horn. finally, after more exploration, the party finds the hallway to tiamat. the hallway is menacing, however, and david and aaaron falter along the way. eventually, everyone makes it to the end and open the door, which of course slams shut behind them once they enter. inside they find a few more rooms, including a bedroom they assume to be tiamat's even though that doesn't make sense. they deface the room regardless, and rest one final time. freebird tries to formulate a plan, but david and aaaron don't like plans. aaaron calls gade and david says goodbye to doog. the party finds the gate to the caldera of the volcano and open it.

Chapter 28𝛿: The Binding of Tiamat

the party finds themselves on a small cliff overlooking the lake of lava, which has small rocks that periodically are blasted into orbit. the gate slams shut behind them. tiamat begins to emerge, one head at a time. david and aaaron immediately jump down onto the rocks. tiamat is scary. david is so afraid that he is unaffected. freebird is so afraid that they try to run but can't. the silver raven and freebird's familiar bind tiamat's white dragon head with a piece of cloth and an immovable button. david somehow lassos onto the head and climbs onto it, after which he begins chipping away. more dragon heads appear and aaaron uses them as a platform. freebird is still incapable of anything. tiamat's claws, teeth, and breath weapons continue to assail david and aaaron as they attack from atop tiamat's heads. the white, black, blue, and green dragon heads have all appeared. the blue and black dragon heads surround david atop the white dragon head and double penetrate him with lightning and acid. all of the constant attacks prove too great and david falls unconscious. freebird finally overcomes their fear, jumps over to tiamat, shoves a healing potion down david's throat, and attacks tiamat. the red dragon head emerges and breathes fire, but aaaron and freebird are dodgy. zariel arrives on the scene, creating bridges of light and severing the white dragon head. aaaron, david, and freebird attack with their weaponry and magic as zariel cuts off the green, black, and blue dragon heads. the red dragon head shakes david off of it and he falls to the light bridge, but aaaron draws tiamat's ire. david casts the chain around tiamat, but it breaks. then chains appear anyway out of the abyss and drag tiamat away and the party sinks into darkness.

Editor's note: this is labelled as the end of Book One: A Recusatio of Dragons

Intermission 28.5𝛿: Return to Greenest

the party awakes in some beds. intraparty conflict resumes as normal. the party has no recollection of how they got to where they are, but knows that some days have passed. they begin to look around the strange locale in which they find themselves. they encounter a strange woman, who introduces herself as noctis and congratulates the party. she claims that the party has been asleep for three days and in that time she has freed herself and built the location on rock and roll and tiamat's power. she takes them to the bound tiamat, who gives the dreamers vague warnings. noctis then shows the party doog in a new cave. she offers to add a vault to the place and the party does a teambuilding exercise. they travel to the material plane and wake up in the forest near gade's castle. gade is in no mood for talking but the gkc catches him up regardless. gade returns to his sex and the party returns to the banshee cave to investigate before returning to their original task of returning to greenest, which they do. they find smithers' door and stab it open to find a young girl. its name is louise and apparently smithers and mary have adopted it. david gives it his broken shortsword and smithers a golden cup. the party sits down to break fast with the family and tells them about their adventures without actually giving any specific details. just then, a letter arrives from mathers instructing the party to read it at dinner. aaaron tries to understand what mathers was thinking and promptly goes insane, so freebird magically puts him to sleep. they and david split up, with david following smithers to work and freebird going on their own errands.

david buys potions for a high price and meets an adventurer tracking a dwarven criminal and his wife before answering a call for help. aaaron, having recovered from his insanity and subsequent nap, hallucinates being attacked by demons and shadows. he returns to the smithers home and closely studies the letter before coming to the shocking conclusion that it should perhaps be read at dinner. freebird fails to find a bank and calls the post to find that the child has not been delivered. they give the solid gold fiddle to the blind bowyer and encounter a dye seller, who they hire to dye bileth's suit. while they wait, freebird buys some spell components and goes to tell the governor of the removed threat of the cult of tiamat. they pay a visit to the temple of chauntea to ask her for aid but obviously get no response and buy adventuring equipment. they pick up the suit, newly purpled, and head out to the former location of the rearguard of the cult. there, freebird digs a grave for the cult members the party has murdered and mourns them. they return to the temple to attempt to summon their familiar but are interrupted by a high-strung priest, who accuses freebird of summoning devils and calls for help. david answers the call only to find freebird having placed the illusion of a devil in the priest's mind, making him look rather delusional indeed. david and freebird egress without altercation and return to smithers', where aaaron shares his startling revelation. after a refreshing dinner of mostly harmless stew and a quick sharing of stories, aaaron opens the letter, which contains a ring of invisibility and teleports the party away before they can finish reading.

Chapter 29𝛿: Lore Dump

titania tells the party she cannot personally help them and transports them to the shadowfell. dionysus welcomes them and informs them they've messed up in a major way. he warns the party that most evil gods want them dead and most good gods want them tried, with the exception of himself and mathers. aaaron tries to lie about the gkc's reasons for killing tiamat but dionysus wants none of it. he forces freebird to name noctis with an ultimatum. he then tells the party lore. immortals aren't capable of killing other immortals, but mortals are (temporarily), so long as they have immortal aid. divine magic comes from beings such as gods or monks, while arcane magic comes from the stars. after killing tiamat and becoming the gods' most wanted, the party would have been erased from existence immediately had mathers and dionysus not hidden them. noctis, also known as discordia, the goddess of chaos, freed herself using tiamat's power (she did tell us as much) and engaged dionysus and hermes in combat. dionysus is also protecting the party from discordia's listening. his lore delivered, dionysus introduces the crew, which consists of three hags and one magnanimous mister mathers. he asks the party for a favor. aaaron calls a team meating and expresses his severe distrust. david refuses to listen because dionysus offered to claim doog from discordia's possession. freebird agrees with aaaron's distrust but wants to work against discordia regardless. outnumbered, aaaron decides to postpone the vote until after completing the "favor". david punches mathers. freebird talks to the hags, who are strange. mathers asks the "favor", which is to retrieve dionysus's "dog", refuses to elaborate, and leaves. the party talks to the hags again and are given a finger, a pinecone, and a blessing and told to be wary of alice. the party heads north, following the pointing of the finger, and aaaron swears that if the "dog" is actually a dog, he'll eat the dog.

Chapter 30𝛿: Fetch Quest

the gkc reaches a river. on the bank, some figures which probably hunger for flesh and souls turn out to be a tin soldier and his paper swan boat. in a twist which truly tests the bounds of creativity, the tin soldier is rusted and will not let the party cross on the swan boat unless they recover his oil can. when the party points out that they could simply swim across, the tin man asserts that to do so would be against the rules of the red queen, and therefore impossible. freebird and aaaron immediately jump in and are fine. david, however, enters the woods to search for the oil can. freebird and aaaron cross the river, cross back, and kidnap the tin soldier before getting bored and following david. finding it difficult to track him, they attempt to as long as david's in from the eat the paths. in the meantime, david has met a strange literary allusion, which speaks in the third person exclusively. david is then attacked by a three tailed cat and fends it off in the third person. freebird and aaaron arrive, and question david's sanity. the cheshire cat reappears and turns into a watering can full of oil. the party returns to the river to find the tin soldier mysteriously absent. david, with his youthful innocence, convinces aaaron and freebird to return the tin soldier and oils him. thankful for some reason, the tin soldier has the swan ferry the party across and the sanity of yours truly is safe once more. continuing to follow the finger, the party reaches a field of white flowers, which a group of ceramic dolls is painting red with blood. one seeks to take the party's blood for new shades of paint, but david decides to attempt peace for the first time in his life. he is immediately incapacitated by hideous laughter. another doll arrives and grapples david as well. aaaron breaks it, but it begins to reform. freebird burns it for good. a third arrives, but aaaron and freebird destroy the first, and then the third.

four more arrive and laugh hideously. david and aaaron chip away at them, allowing freebird to shatter them all. the party then moves on through the field, avoiding and jumping over the swaths of dangerous red flowers. finally, they arrive at a cottage the finger points to with probably the dog in it. unfortunately, the door is magically locked, presenting only a strange pocketwatch-like mechanism. again. in the front garden, a reflection pool stands next to a pillar with a key shaped indent. by turning the knob on the mechanism, aaaron lines the sun up such that its light reflects on the indent, generating the key to the door. inside, a burbling freezes david while aaaron and freebird find a vorpal sword, some cutlery (for dog eating), and the dog, caged. david unfreezes and picks it up. a jabberwocky appears and tears the cottage to shreds. unfortunately, an analysis of the pinecone reveals the jabberwocky's vulnerability to the vorpal sword, which is buried in the rubble of the cottage. aaaron begins searching, as freebird turns him invisible and aids him in avoiding the monster's attacks. david rages and climbs on it, but it dislodges him. freebird recognises the pinecone as a jabberwocky egg as aaaron retrieves the vorpal sword. with the vorpal sword and a bout of luck, aaaron and david deal major damage to the jabberwocky. freebird distracts it with the egg, allowing aaaron to perform the coup de grace and decapitate it. revel, who had disappeared, reappears. the egg hatches into a new baby jabberwocky, which runs off to go ravish the ecosystem. david tries to grab the dog, but it's too slippery. after debate, the party realises that revel will follow them. it teleports over the flowers, revealing its true nature as a blink dog. david does have to carry it across the river, as the ferry is out of service on the authority of the red queen. the party discusses the red queen as they return the dog to dionysus. mathers arrives and the party sits for a war council.

Chapter 31𝛿: Plot Picnic

dionysus tells of many years ago, when discordia attempted to break the mandate curse, which regulates the cosmos. she hoped to plunge all planes into chaos, but was caught by velka, chained, and cast into the abyss. somehow, through unknown means, she found a small amount of power. this was enough to begin to hold the party to finding other gods for her to take the power of, as has already been told. however, the amount of power noctis obtained from tiamat was greater than it should have been, and noctis immediately attacked and wounded dionysus and hermes. only one more god would be needed to restore her to full strength. zariel informed the gods of what had transpired, drawing their ire against the party. however, dionysus and the fey rulers shielded the party from surveillance. dionysus then requests the party's aid. aaaron immediately mistrusts dionysus, thinking he will kill the party once he is used them, and also that they have no chance of succeeding if noctis has an unknown source of power. dionysus explains that he hopes to permanently kill noctis. aaaron suggests the futility of this, as chaos is a fundamental force that would come into a new incarnation. david suggests that aaaron went unloved in childhood and slaps him. aaaron chooses to kill noctis. under the condition that doog is retrieved, david also votes to kill noctis. freebird pulls them aside and suggests that they keep a careful eye on the situation. they then return to the clearing while david and aaaron set up camp. freebird is redirected to the hags, which are in the woods, and given a wand. upon finding the hags in baba yaga's hut, freebird dispels the hut and returns them to dionysus. the powers of the wands are stripped and freebird is given a jar of eyeballs which will supposedly block mind reading and returns to the group. everyone eats some eyeball and freebird falls in the six foot deep pit that aaaron and david dug while they were away.

the party goes to sleep and wakes in the abyss, where noctis has indeed added a vault. david relates the events preceding the party's arrival in the shadowfell, avoiding mentioning the letter. due to eyeball, noctis is unable to disprove these claims. she suggests the party target orcus next, and david goes into the basement to retrieve a chain from noctis' physical body. freebird brings up a word they learned of in their research in elturel that was said to be used by orcus to defeat primus. noctis proposes that the party ask marikoth the tome, a demon in employ of orcus, to learn the word. she then returns the party to waking, except for freebird, who she keeps in order to ask why she cannot read their minds. freebird refuses to answer and acts contrary. they wake and inform david and aaaron, and the party returns to where dionysus was as he reappears. he reconvenes the war council and explains his plans for the party to separate to different planes to train under three patron gods for a month. freebird will train under hecate in the beastlands, aaaron will train under gormach in carceri, and david will train under kothar-wa-khasis in gehenna. david not-so-subtly brings up orcus, and dionysus begins to explain about the pantheon. each god in the pantheon holds one or more seats, each of which is either the evil or good of one of twenty-two aspects, which are tarot. the exception is the seventh, central seat, which is held by the opinion of all mortals combined, making for a total of forty-three seats. arch-deities such as orcus are below the gods, and other immortals below them. freebird again pulls the party aside for a discussion. the hags show up and give david a jar of bladders. before the party can figure out what they're for, a frog appears, eats aaaron, and vanishes. a portal to gehenna appears and freebird gets windows movie maker dissolve transitioned away. david passes through the portal, which closes.

Intermission 31.5𝛿: Training Arc

freebird spends their one month training with hecate to become a more powerful spellcaster, and also endeavours with her aid to synthesise a method of evading the curse velka has placed on kenku preventing them from flying. along the way, they learn much of the lore of the worlds and gods, including the nature of noctis' chains. finally, freebird faces velka, who rescinds her curse. this allows freebird to gain the ability to conjure spectral wings. hecate additionally gifts freebird a spell to restore their voice, should they so desire it.

in gehenna, kothar-wa-khasis tells david the story of the plane, and david journeys through the plane of ash, battling almost non-stop for the entire month. david recovers the four gemstones in the crowns of the four former heroes of the land, uniting them all in one stone crown that grafts itself permanently to his head. kothar-wa-khasis then offers him immortality, which he accepts, breaking all his ties and pacts with other immortals. additionally, he is now king of gehenna, and he becomes one of the sixteen planar lords.

thorne meets a statue which turns out to be gormach the afflicted, a god who gives thorne three tasks. the first is to kill a slaad, a type of frog creature, which thorne succeeds in. The second is to kill primus, the machine god. to assist him thorne is given the last word: a phrase which, if spoken in primus' presence, will destroy him. thorne falls asleep and takes the dial from its pedestal in the abyss, also informing noctis that the party is training for a month and will return after that time. he then falls asleep and has a trippy and grim vision of the past and future. he travels to mechanus and begins making his way to primus. along the way, he hears the machine god's voice offering him a deal. if he turns back now and does not kill primus, he will have his consciousness backed up in primus' servers. this will effectively make him immortal, as he can simply be placed in a new mechanical body whenever he dies. thorne refuses, and primus sends an army of machines to kill him, in an attempt to force him to choose immortality. thorne continues to refuse, even as the machines overwhelm him, and he is eventually killed by the mechanical onslaught. despite his refusal, primus stores thorne's memories on its server anyways.

Chapter 32𝛿: Hairless Again

david and freebird reunite in the shadowfell, while aaaron does not due to being dead. david flaunts his newfound immortality. oberon goes to look into aaaron's disappearance. freebird explains that noctis' chains are an alteration of the chains velka used to bind her. dionysus suggests the pair go to ask velka directly. unfortunately, without the mechanism, they are limited in their planar travel abilities. freebird flaunts their newfound flight. to go to the abyss, the party must travel to sigil; to travel to sigil, the party must visit titania. dionysus reflects the two to the feywild by bonking them. titania gifts them a ball and cone which produce a tone which can be used to travel to sigil.

they arrive in a cave. upon exiting, they find the city in ruin, destroyed by the blood war centuries ago. david jumps off a cliff. he finds a horse and a giant, which attempts to kill him, but david damns it with infernal flame. travelling towards the city, freebird and david encounter strange plants shepherded by an equally strange man. he introduces himself as aelius, and explains that about a year ago he woke up in sigil and has been making a living scavenging since. freebird recognises that aelius is no race ever known before. aelius can detect planar energy and offers to lead the party to a disturbance of some kind. he wants to travel, see the worlds, and learn things about his self. just then, gnolls attack. david damns some of them. aelius uses druidic magic to defeat others. one drops a boulder, but everyone dodges. aelius nothing personel kid teleports behind the last gnoll and kills it. moving towards the planar disturbance, the party is blocked by flying snakes. while initially peaceful, the snakes become hostile after freebird attempts to put them to sleep and david attempts to walk between them. the snakes regenerate and are very agile, but david ends up damning both of them as well. aelius tracks down the disturbance to the top of a precariously leaning tower. he climbs up into it as it starts to fall into a pit. freebird takes david and dimension doors to the top. at the top of the tower, now in freefall, the party find a glowing orb and a box of sixteen tuning forks. aelius rings the tuning fork marked with the symbol for the abyss, transporting everyone there.

Chapter 33𝛿: ABYSSAL ZONE ~The Origin~

the renewed gkc find themselves on a stone floor in complete darkness: the layer of the abyss known as the "nightwalker pool". they travel towards the sound of running water, and find themselves in increasingly deep water. freebird goes to scout ahead, and finds a massive cliff. they return, pick up david and aelius in their bag of holding, and go to fly down to the bottom of the cliff. on the way down, velka speaks to them and the others, challenging them to reach her and shattering freebird's flight spell. the party desperately tries to avoid falling into the water below at full speed, only to find that they fall through it without being hurt or even needing to breathe. they fall through the "black sea" and land in "tipheret". aelius demands an explanation as to what just happened. freebird and david provide a terrible one.

the party finds a flumph, which provides direction and is a jellyfish which can transmit emotions. each flumph comes with a tablet. the flumph points the gkc over a cliff and into a pool of acid. freebird safely carries the party to a series of discs floating in the acid, where they find another flumph and are attacked by a black pudding. aelius gives david haste, enabling him to cut the black pudding into many pieces. unfortunately, all of those pieces can still attack at full efficacy. freebird attempts to destroy them all with magic, but fails. aelius and david cleave the bits into bits that actually die, giving themselves acid burns along the way. the flumph points the way across the pool of acid. after crossing the pool, the gkc sits down and rests. freebird tells some of the lore they learned under hecate's tutelage. once moving again, the party spots ochre jellies on the ceiling and decide to sneak past. despite this, david gets one on the head. a rickety ladder descends into a colon, where flumphs guide everyone to a camp. in the camp, the group is greeted by a gith, a headless horse, a ball of gloves, and a vase with legs. the gith introduces themself as m'neet, and explains the layout of the abyss. they also explain the function of the flumphs' tablets. finally, they explain that the layer below is a lofty mountaintop, "clutch." they welcome the party to stay as long as they like.